New Con

"Do you buy back books"

"Well, if we have sold a book, yes, we will generally buy it back"

"Oh good, how much for these ?"

"erm, I don't recognise having sold any of those."

"No, they didn't come from here."

"Ah, well, I won't be buying them back then"

"But you just said you would buy them......"


It went on for a while, but I really can't be bothered to type any more..

Paperback Gems

Having asked me what sort of books i liked to buy (i explained i prefered to sell them), the nice lady pulled out a handfull of paperbacks from her shopping trolley.

"I'm sorry, I never buy paperbacks" i explained.

Undeterred, she pulled out a further 5 bags of paperbacks, emptying each on the counter, and plucking the odd tome from the dirty pile with a "What about this one". 7 times more I said "I'm sorry, I never buy paperbacks".

She went off telling me that she would find some more for me to buy.

Free Valuations

Lady walks into the shop clutching a catalogue from the V & A from the 1920's.

"I brought this in a charity shop. I approached the V & A and they want to buy it from me, and have asked me how much I wish to sell it for - what should i ask them for ?"

Of course, this is a woman who has never purchased anything from me in her life !

My knowledge Knows No Bounds

"A friend of mine has reserved a CD in a CD shop, but i don't know which one. Can you tell me where it is please?"

Amazingly, I could.

Omniscience is much underated.

Library Service

I have just caught a chap in the back room who had piled up and moved lots of books so that he could create a writing suface on top of a 3 shelf bookcase. He then started to make copious notes on Roman and Norman coins from one of my nicer Numismatics books.

When i asked if i could help him, he replied "Oh no, I've found what I need. I don't want to buy it, I just want to make notes on some coins I have just got."

Should I grab him by his lapels and fling him bodily into the street before jumping up and down on him shouting "curses on your coins you cheapskate, book borrowing, odourous person" or should i just let him carry on using me as a library reference room ?

I am willing to concede that there may be a middle path !

Lots of Knowledge

I have been offered 4 sets of encyclopaedias today.

There must be some very clever people out there, with all of this knowledge floating around.

Humph

I have just been asked if I would offer a cash discount on a book costing £2.

Like an inverted clown, I laughed inside & looked sad.

Experiments in Altruism

I have been doing a little experiment recently.

People often come in to offload their dross (after all, in times of global meltdown, tatty paperbacks are a surefire investment!). But for some reason, nearly every potential seller claims that the money isn't the issue, and that they merely wanting to downsize / change direction / pass on to a good home unwanted books etc. etc.

I decided to test this. As I am currently raising money for a cancer charity via a sponsored walk (feel free to send your donations), I have been soliciting sponsorship from many of the people who dare to enter the shop.

Just about every person who buys a book, has also chosen to sponsor me. (I say chosen carefully here - I may have been slightly persuasive !!).

But - I have yet to get a single sponsorship from those trying to sell.

I can understand this from people who are obviously trying to raise cash (and actually - if it is apparent that money raising is the reason for the visit - i don't even ask). But even those who claim they are not after money have turned me down when I offer to put money into the charity for their books.

I figured that if their claims are true, that money isn't the issue, and that they merely want them to go to a good home, then some might be happy if i offered to buy the books, and put some or all of the cash into the charity.

So far, they have ALL refused and either want the cash themselves or take their books away.

Now I know that they are their books, and they have a perfect right to pocket any cash for them - but it does rather give the lie to their protestations !

Economies of Business

Sweet little couple (See I CAN be nice about customers) came into the shop and showed me a very tired copy of Robinson Crusoe from the 1880's.

"We'd like to sell you this book"

I explained that I couldn't possibly buy the book, as it was (to use a technical term) shagged.

"But it must be worth something"

"Not really madam, the book in good condition would sell for around £30 in the shop, but this one has half the pages detatched, and no spine. It would cost me £40 to repair."

"Well £30 would be ok, if thats all you can give for it."

"No madam, £30 is what i would sell it for myself, if it was all repaired and in good condition"

"This one isn't in good condition is it"

"No madam - that's why it would cost £40 to repair"

"Well £40 would be ok for it i suppose - you wouldn't go any higher"

"No madam, £40 is the repair cost - £30 the final value after repairs - I can't offer you anything"

"We could take the £30 for it"

"No if I paid you £30, then I would make a loss of £40 if i sold it after repairs"

"Well its no good making a loss is it ?"

A long pause followed. I could see the cogs gently clicking through the positions......Yes, she was working through the maths........ Nearly there - any moment now she will realise that the book is actually not an economically viable option for a bookseller.....

"I suppose we could take £20 for it if that is your best offer".

NO I AM NOT !

Woman marches into my inner sanctum with volumes 1, 3 and 5 of a 1950's children's encylopedia - all ripped and torn, tatty and a little sad.

"How much for these ?"

"I'm sorry ma'am, its not something I can buy"

"Why not ? You are the bookseller - it's your job to buy books"

"No ma'am - the clue is in the title, it is my job to sell books"

"But i want you to buy these. Surely you have to buy books from people"

"Only if i think i can sell them"

"So what will you offer me for them ?"

I gave up at this point, melted into a pool of inconsolable sobbing an leaked all over the carpet - carefully avoiding leaking onto her immensely valuable books.

Intuitive Pricing

"I have an old book, how much is it worth"

"Do you have it with you sir ?"

"No - do you think I should have brought it along ?"

"Thats depends what you want to do with it. Who was the author?"

"I don't know, I can't remember the title either. But its very old. How much are old books worth?"

"Well how old is old ?"

"Oh very old, at least 5 years old. Its even in hardback."

Memo to self.

Must remember

Never, never NEVER never NEVER never ever ask a customer if they are well.

Just don't do it.

Dirty Phone Call

Message on the answer phone this morning.

"Hello, I have a paperback copy of xxxxx by xxxx the isbn number is xxxxxxx, Can you phone me back and tell me what it is worth please"

Now should I phone ?

The customer is NOT always right

Chap walks in. I knew he would be trouble as he struggled to bring in his bycycle, loaded down for a round the world trip, wooden boxes as paniers, big rucsack on the handlebars and a trailer attached. This took up most of the shop floor.

I suspected that this was full of books he wished to sell, but no, he wanted a book from the window.

"I've cycled back for the book on Protestant Island" I'm half Irish and want to read about the Protestants there".

"No sir, it is called "Protestand Island" It is by Arthur Bryant and
is about the United Kingdom - not Ireland."

"That's right - the Protestants in Ireland. How much is it?"

"£12 sir, but it isn't about Ireland - its about the British"

"I can't find Ireland in the Index"

"No sir - it won't be, it isn't about Ireland"

"Land of the free - that chapter will be about Ireland"

"Possibly sir, but it is more likely to be about America"

"Where is information about Irish Protestants"

"That will be in a different book sir, the one on Ireland perhaps"

"Well i'll take it anyway - not a good index, but i'm sure i'll find out about the Irish in it."

"Perhaps I can tempt you with my copy of "Florida, the Sunshine
State" which is all about the Jewish Irish in Lapland to go with your
collection of wildly misnamed books on bizarre subjects sir"

"I've cycled from France by bycycle as it cost too much to take a car to Normandy - it's £300 on the ferry, and only a £100 for my bycycle so i decided to take my bycyle and not a car. I don't have a car anyway".

I smiled sweetly, and bit my lip until it bled profusely.

Big doses of Bigottry

It is tricky being a good socialist book dealer at times.

Apart from the inherent dilemma of being a capitalist company owner accumulating possessions

And (obviously) exploiting my downtrodden staff (or so they tell me)

And making my living from products whose main value is their scarcity,

There is the problem of being surrounded by Nazi Bigots.

This afternoon I received a fine racist rant from a rather smelly older gentleman.

His main argument was that the Labour party is trying to destroy the country by filling it with immigrants as foriegners hate the royal family and will bring in communism and that the blacks are filling up our country and will kill us all and look at Rhodesia and everyone is afraid to have an opinion it's political correctness gone mad i tell you we should be more like America and allow racism as the foriegners should all go back to their own country and they would kill us if they had the chance so bring back cruficixion and deportation and then flogging for a second offence and if i want to be racist why shouldn't I as they shouldnt be here in my country anyhow and i dont go live in theirs so why are they in mine and this country should be white and catholics deported too as they are all communists and don't you agree ?

So what do I say? Is the customer always right ?

What i would like to say is "Sir, not only are you a racist smelly old bigot, but you argument is facile, incorrect and just plain wrong. Please desist your ranting and depart from my premises immediately."

What I actually said was "Well I believe tolerance is important, and freedom shouldn't extent to the extent of hurting others"

Which unfortunately just set him off again.

Is one really able to confront quite objectional attitudes and opinions in ones own shop ? Yes, I can throw anyone out, but one (ex) customer muttering darkly about the shop will lose me more sales than Oxfam.

Hmmm. Any suggestions gratefully received.

Feeble Excuses For Not Handing Over Cash

There are many excuses that one hears from people trying hard not to become customers.

The most common - usually after about an hours browsing, is "I must come back when I have my glasses". So what have they been doing for the hour if they haven't been looking at books ? Sleeping among the sonnets in the dark corners of the poetry room ? Pondering in the deeper recesses of political biography ? Meditating among the militaria ?

Another excuse - again normally after at least 30 minutes, is "I must come back when i have more time". I generally resist muttering "It takes 45 seconds to purchase a book, now get back in here and select one now" while smiling serenely and thanking them for their attention.

This morning I have had two more prime excuses.

Firstly, a woman came looking for "Seven Years in Tibet" when i proffer her a fine first edition copy, she looks over it for a while, before announcing that she wanted one set about 20 years earlier. "Yes, I think i need the book before this one" she announced. Give that this is the biography of one man (his only book) and the story of pretty much his whole life, it would be hard to find the "one before this one". And it was only £4 (humpf humpf).

The next lady came in and told me that she was desperate to read some of the crime novels of Antonia Fraser. The library didn't have any, and there were none on the reserve list, there were none in print, and she loved them SOOO much.

You know what's coming. Pretty certain of a sale, I offered her a choce of four of (yes four) first editions, perfect condition in dust wrappers, at a massive £5 each. "Oh No" she exclaimed... "I've never paid as much as £5 for a book before".

Bah humbug.

Get the social services

Chap comes in and starts looking at the children's books.

He picks up a copy of "Heidi Grows up" (The sequel to Heidi obviously !) It has a young girl sitting among the flowers on the cover.

"Heidi Grows Up" he drooled.... "Now there's a fantasy come true, he he he, he he he, he he".

I just looked at him with my best Paddington glare and made a mental note to keep him away from any young people I know.

Keen Customer

Chap was so keen to get into the shop today that he collared me in the market square, and practically frog marched me to the shop. I pointed out that I wouldn't be open for a while, as I had to tidy up some bits, put out the rubbish, and hoover the shop.

At this point, he took the hoover from me, and announced that he would hoover for me, as that way he could speed up the opening and "quiet time" reading his books.

And so he did!

He made a pretty good job of it too.

The joys of my Arch Nemesis

This week has mainly been full of people trying to offload their rubbish on me for cash, before generously donating anything totally unsalable to the local charity shops.

Some highlights have included the young chap who brought a book in that he had purchased in a local Oxfam shop, with a request for a free valuation from me. (without looking at the book, i told him that it was worth about half what he paid for it).

Later that day came another chap, who tried to sell me some garbage, and while i was declining his offer of junk that had been turned down elsewhere, he noticed that I put a couple of paperback into the paper recycling (take note Oxfam, paper doesn't HAVE to be dumped in black sacks for the bin men). He instantly switched tack, and decided that he would like these for nothing, as i was throwing them out anyway.

Finally, came the woman who tried to sell me an RAC Road Map of Britain from the year 2000. When i suggested that it was out of date, and not something that I could sell, she commented that it was no wonder that Oxfam were putting me out of business, and that THEY would appreciate her kind donation.

Thank you all, my kind local supporters.

Parking

A woman dashes into the shop and practically throws herself at the counter.

I instantly suspect a new, novel approach to selling me books, but am caught off guard by her request.

Apparently, she had a 30 minute tanning session in the beauticians up the road, and would I mind awfully keeping an eye for traffic wardens, and fetching her if any appear, as she just HAD to leave her car on the double yellow lines outside my shop.

I suggested that car park in the next street would be a better solution, but apparently that was too far to walk. I pointed out (muttering under my breath that the tanning salon was too far for me to walk) that I had a shop to run, and couldn't guarantee seeing a warden, but i would do my best.

31 minutes later the storm of her entrance returned, and i suspected that i had missed a warden, and was about to receive the brunt of her freshly tanned and scrubbed wrath, but she was just whirling in to say thank you for looking after her car.

I mentioned that it was nothing (which was true, as i hadn't done anything - don't think i had even glanced outside) and sat warmly glowing in the reflected glory of her tan and praise.

She didn't buy a book though.