Parking

A woman dashes into the shop and practically throws herself at the counter.

I instantly suspect a new, novel approach to selling me books, but am caught off guard by her request.

Apparently, she had a 30 minute tanning session in the beauticians up the road, and would I mind awfully keeping an eye for traffic wardens, and fetching her if any appear, as she just HAD to leave her car on the double yellow lines outside my shop.

I suggested that car park in the next street would be a better solution, but apparently that was too far to walk. I pointed out (muttering under my breath that the tanning salon was too far for me to walk) that I had a shop to run, and couldn't guarantee seeing a warden, but i would do my best.

31 minutes later the storm of her entrance returned, and i suspected that i had missed a warden, and was about to receive the brunt of her freshly tanned and scrubbed wrath, but she was just whirling in to say thank you for looking after her car.

I mentioned that it was nothing (which was true, as i hadn't done anything - don't think i had even glanced outside) and sat warmly glowing in the reflected glory of her tan and praise.

She didn't buy a book though.

Bad hair day

Woman walks into the shop, and approaches me with a "hello, i know you are busy"

I instantly suspected a sale pitch, but no. She then asked.

"Do you have a book for thickening up hair ?"

I looked suitably blank (not having a clue what she was talking about)

"My sister has a bald patch, and I want a book to thicken her hair... I'd pay anything for it"

"Ah, do you mean a book about hairdressing madam ?"

"Not really, I don't want to do hairdressing, i just want to know how to thicken my sisters hair"

I suggested that it might be easier to just ask a hairdresser for advice, which she thought was a jolly good idea, and set off to obtain immediately.

Mein Can't

Chap comes in, and doesn't even bother coming fully into the shop, he just stands in the doorway and summons me (guaranteed to make me a happy bunny and keen on their books). He then announced that he has "A rare and valuable copy of Mein Kampf from 1939, worth £100" - what will I give for it.

I said that I wouldn't sell it for £100 and it was very difficult to sell. I would only pay a maximum of £20 for it. (It's not particularly rare, and you can get reasonable copies for £15 - £20 or a very good one for £40)

He shook his head wisely and told me it was worth far more that this. He has already shown it to a bookshop in Southampton, and they are very interested in acquiring it. Now my mates Pete and Brian in Southampton would almost certainly not be keen on acquiring a copy of Mein Kampf - and if they were, they would just buy it ! I told him he should just sell it to them, but apparently they aren't offering enough either.

He asked me how he should sell it, and I said that he could try ebay. Yet more wise smiles - he's already tried that and it was removed for being offensive material. I gave my own wise smile and pointed out, that yes, it was difficult to sell ! I don't think he got it, but I'm sure he and his copy of very expensive Mein Kampf will be happy together !

Hmmm

"Are we allowed to choose our own book ?"

Ah if only you weren't.

We would do so much better if I could choose which books people had to have. All my old and unsaleable ones would fly off the shelves.

"Yes madam, I am certain that Sweet and Maxwell's "Medical Negligence in County Court Judgements" is a thrilling book, and will certainly keep you amused for hours"

Fishy Fiction

Elederly chap comes in.

Looking for a book. Can't remember the title or the author.

But the authors man is a fish - comes in tins - quite tasty.

All of the customers (yes I had several) joined in to try to help. He was offered Sardines, but apparently it begins with a 'C' and is the cheapest fish you get in a tin.

Suggested Cod, Colley, Carp, Californian Sardine, Kippers (yes I know) and various others, but no joy. He went off promising to return with the name.

He hasn't.

I am frustrated now. Suggestions please.

New World Order

Yee Haa.
They do exist.

I have just been on the end of an genuine rant by a genuine conspiracy theorist who genuinely believes that the world is secretly run by the New World Order. I didn't think they really existed (The conspirasists that is - obviously the New World Order exist).

He also believes that Jews run the NWO, that members of the House of Lords are practicing their marksmanship in Westminster to defend themselves against the revolution. etc etc etc.

Here was here about 20 mins and paused for breath once.

I just smiled sweetly and glazed over!

Changing Rooms

It is snowing outside (Yippee - cold snowy weather - must be a UK summer on the way).

Chap has just walked in, undone his rucsac, spent 5 minutes emptying it, spreading all of his belongings around the floor, and making little piles of stuff. He then put on his waterproof trousers and coat, spent another 5 mins repacking it all neatly, and walked out again.

Not a word of hello, good bye, or may i use your shop as a temporary changing room / repacking facility.

Pah.

Remind me again about how much I love my customers.
(and while we are at it, define a customer).

freebies

Chap walks in with the customary and highly cheerful "Good Morning, how are you today" that you just KNOW means he is going to try to sell you something.

He comes up to the counter, and pulls out a month old and tatty copy of "Antiques Explorer" magazine. A free mag, that we distribute from the shop. "Would you be interested in buying this ?" he asks.

"But we give it out free to the public"

"Yes but this is a back issue - surely there are some collectors"

after pointing out that a month old is not quite into the antiquarian and collectible scale of things, i dig out another 10 copies that we failed to hand out for free, and ask him if he would like to take these to add to his collection - that way he can make a real killing if he finds anyone stupid enough to buy them!

Sadly he doesn't want my copies. I guess i will have to recycle them as usual!

Even Newer Levels of Cheek

Elderly woman walks into the shop, and asks if we have a copy of Kahlil Gibran "The Prophet".

A reasonable request, and we provide one instantly (From our little stash of Prophets beneath the desk) priced at a very respectable £3. (Oh yes, bargain prices).

She is very excited and tells me that she wants to send one of the poems to her grandson.

She then sits down, pulls out a pad of paper, and copies the poem out.

Saying to me "I do hope you don't mind me copying it rather than buying it."

I tell her that I am beyond the point of caring, and just proceed to bang my head against the keyboard for a while.

New levels of cheek

Man phones the shop, and announces that he is on a mobile and has no credit, can I call him back.

When I do, he tells me how he has found a book, and wants to know what it is worth. Doesn't even want to sell it. Just wants a free valuation over the phone.

I think I may have to join the Inquisition of the Cathars - "Kill them all, God will know his own"

Valuation Service

Gentleman walks in and we have the following conversation (which I promise is not edited or made up):

Muppet: "I have some bird books - how much are they worth ?"

Mitchell: "I don't know - do you have them with you"

Muppet: "No"

Mitchell: "Well who is the Author ?"

Muppet: "I Don't know"

Mitchell: "Well do you know the title ?"

Muppet: "I Don't know"

Mitchell: "Well how old are the books ?"

Muppet: "I Don't know - they are a bit tatty - are they worth rebinding ?"

Mitchell: "That would depend on how much they are worth"

Muppet: "Oh - there are six of them. How much would they be worth then ?"

At least he didn't tell me they were blue !!!!!

Top Titles

You couldn't make this up.

I have just listed on the internet two fine books, written in the 1930's.

The author is H. A. Manhood.

The first book is called "Night seed" the second is "Gay Agony"

Fnarr fnarr. Definately a Viz moment.

French stuff

Chap comes in and asks if I deal with manuscripts. I tell him that I do sometimes, and he pulls out an old French vellum handwritten manuscript which he tells me is from 1647 and asks me what I can tell him about it.

His manner made me a little suspicious - so I asked him if he was wanting to sell it. He replied "Oh no- I shall sell it on ebay, I just want you to give me information about it"

I told him that it was a french handwritten manuscript and that was all I knew about it. He pointed out that he already knew that, and that I hadn't even touched it.

"Quite" I replied - feeling very smug and ascerbic (Is this why I have no customers ?).

Dirty Rotten Scoundrel

I always hate people tryin to con me (almost as much as i hate those who manage it).

Chap arrives in the shop and spends some time looking through the History section. Eventually he asks me if I can get hold of a book for him. It is his brothers birthday, and he has asked for a specific Victorian history book. After I have got the name and author, he says that it MUST be the second edition from 1861.

I managed to find a copy located in the USA, and quote him a price of £16 (including £8 shipping and dealer price of £6 - so a grand total of £2 profit for me). He says he will think about it and goes off.

Ten minutes later, he reappears, and pulls a copy of the same book out of an Oxfam bag (second edition of course!) and tells me that miraculously, he has just found the book in Oxfam. He has now suddenly decided that he doesn't wish to give it to his brother (even though he had requested it) and what would I offer him for it.

He was most upset when I said I would give him £1. He pointed out that I had just asked him £16, and i explained again the breakdown of this. I also told him that it was the sort of book and condition that I would sell for £3 - hence the £1 offer. His reply was that he had just paid Oxfam £5 - wouldn't I at least give him that (Oh No !!) and what was he meant to do with it now.

Resisting the urge to tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine, I suggested that he try to sell it to Oxfam, as they had such a high opinion of it. He went of a little disgruntled.

And I was glad.

Postal problems

Chap phones up to complain about a book order I have sent him.

I look up the order, and assure him that the books have gone out to him with Royal Mail.

"Oh I know that, I found them in my garden" it seems that the postie left them half in his letter box, and someone pulled them out,and threw them into the bushes.

He wanted to know what I was going to do about it.

I paused bleakly for a moment (wondering what all this had to do with me) and asked him how much damage there was to the books.

"Nothing at all, you wrapped them very well, but I wondered what compensation I would receive from you for them being thrown into the hedge"

I shall stop here !

So far

It is now 12.30. So far today I have been asked for advice on the following:

1) Can you recommend an internet Cafe
2) Can you tell me whether it is ok for a vegetarian to drink milk, as there may be fatty deposits in it. (Chap thinking of becoming veggie!)
3) I need somewhere to live, can you help me find a flat
4) Who invented the Blitzkrieg ? No book required - just a name
5) Can I borrow an old map - I just want to see if a pond was in Fordingbridge in 1800.

I promise I haven't made any of these up - all this morning too.

Not just me

Hurrah,
It isn't only me !!!

I was in Waterstones the other day (I know - just looking at recently published titles - honest Your Honour), when I overheard the following.

"Hello, can you point me to the sellotape, and the children's toys please"

"Children's toys madam, we don't sell children's toys"

"Why not, you should do"

"No, we sell books madam"

"Why don't you sell children's toys?"

"Because we are a bookshop, why don't you try Woolworth's opposite"

"You mean this isn't Woolworths.... Well why didn't you tell me?"

So other bookshops do get them as well.

A little Vague

"Hello,I was watching an interesting programme with Simon Schama on the History Channel last night. He was talking about the history of Wales, and carrying a book. Can you get me a copy of it please."

Now people, you just KNOW that he didn't have any clues about author or title. The only extra bit of information I managed to get was "It might have been a Penguin"

A little unsure

Lady phones up.

"I saw your advert... Are you interested in books?"

Resisting the urge to make sarcastic replies about hating the damn things, I tell her that it depends on the books and ask what sort they are.

"Ohh I don't know"

"Well what Subjects"

"I don't know... all sorts"

"Erm, hardback or paperback ?"

"I don't know"

"Well how old are they?

You know what's coming "I don't know"

At this point, I have got a little bored, so I tell her that they are not really the sort I can sell, and that she should probably give them to a charity shop.

"So are they not valuable then ?"

I can't resist it.. I have to answer with "I don't know".

Peter Rabbit and the detestable fraud

Thought I had blogged this one a while ago - but have checked and apparently not!

The day before this happened, Antiques Roadshow had uncovered a Peter Rabbit first edition, and valued it at several thousand pounds. As a result, I sat quaking in my little shop, waiting for the deluge of Peter Rabbit first editions to come flooding through the doors. Actually, I only had 5. Four people were perfectly civil and quite reasonable about their books. (See I CAN be nice about customers) Then there was this one ......

Woman (Aint no lady here honey) of a certain age (the certain age was approx 65 if I am generous) stomps into the shop in her wellies and hacking jacket, She was obviously pretty wealthy judging by the cut of her jib. (She had a sailing boat moored up outside). and exclaims in a loud and rather posh voice.

"I have a first edition Peter Rabbit I am willing to sell you"

"Are you sure it is a first edition, there aren't many around"

"Of course I am, it was brought for my grandmother as a child... I know how much they are worth, so don't you try to con me"

The book in question was bought out, and placed down for my perusal. I could see immediately (Cos I am ded clever) that all was not as it should be. (The plastic laminate cover was an immediate give away) so I asked a few further questions.

"You are sure that this is the same book your grandmother was given"

"Of course I am, don't be ridiculous"

"You didn't buy another copy to read at some point, to protect and older one"

"No, this is a first edition, and don't you try to rip me off, I know it is worth several thousand pounds"

She was irritating me by this point, so I decided I couldn't be bothered playing any more.

"Madam, this book was not given to your grandmother, unless she was already quite old when she got it. This book was published in 1984. There is an ISBN on the verso of the title page, and a barcode chip. ISBN's were not introduced in this country until 1971 (See how much you learn on this blog!!!!) and computer barcodes were certainly not around in Victorian England. To make it even more certain, there is a printing date of July 1984 just here (showing her the offending date at the back of the book). This book is a modern copy not a first edition, and is worth about a pound.

A bony grabbing little hand came out in a flash "Well just give me a pound for it then"

Now do you think she A) got a pound of me for the book or B) got verbally thrown out of the shop with a Paddington stare following her ?