Changing Rooms

It is snowing outside (Yippee - cold snowy weather - must be a UK summer on the way).

Chap has just walked in, undone his rucsac, spent 5 minutes emptying it, spreading all of his belongings around the floor, and making little piles of stuff. He then put on his waterproof trousers and coat, spent another 5 mins repacking it all neatly, and walked out again.

Not a word of hello, good bye, or may i use your shop as a temporary changing room / repacking facility.

Pah.

Remind me again about how much I love my customers.
(and while we are at it, define a customer).

freebies

Chap walks in with the customary and highly cheerful "Good Morning, how are you today" that you just KNOW means he is going to try to sell you something.

He comes up to the counter, and pulls out a month old and tatty copy of "Antiques Explorer" magazine. A free mag, that we distribute from the shop. "Would you be interested in buying this ?" he asks.

"But we give it out free to the public"

"Yes but this is a back issue - surely there are some collectors"

after pointing out that a month old is not quite into the antiquarian and collectible scale of things, i dig out another 10 copies that we failed to hand out for free, and ask him if he would like to take these to add to his collection - that way he can make a real killing if he finds anyone stupid enough to buy them!

Sadly he doesn't want my copies. I guess i will have to recycle them as usual!

Even Newer Levels of Cheek

Elderly woman walks into the shop, and asks if we have a copy of Kahlil Gibran "The Prophet".

A reasonable request, and we provide one instantly (From our little stash of Prophets beneath the desk) priced at a very respectable £3. (Oh yes, bargain prices).

She is very excited and tells me that she wants to send one of the poems to her grandson.

She then sits down, pulls out a pad of paper, and copies the poem out.

Saying to me "I do hope you don't mind me copying it rather than buying it."

I tell her that I am beyond the point of caring, and just proceed to bang my head against the keyboard for a while.

New levels of cheek

Man phones the shop, and announces that he is on a mobile and has no credit, can I call him back.

When I do, he tells me how he has found a book, and wants to know what it is worth. Doesn't even want to sell it. Just wants a free valuation over the phone.

I think I may have to join the Inquisition of the Cathars - "Kill them all, God will know his own"

Valuation Service

Gentleman walks in and we have the following conversation (which I promise is not edited or made up):

Muppet: "I have some bird books - how much are they worth ?"

Mitchell: "I don't know - do you have them with you"

Muppet: "No"

Mitchell: "Well who is the Author ?"

Muppet: "I Don't know"

Mitchell: "Well do you know the title ?"

Muppet: "I Don't know"

Mitchell: "Well how old are the books ?"

Muppet: "I Don't know - they are a bit tatty - are they worth rebinding ?"

Mitchell: "That would depend on how much they are worth"

Muppet: "Oh - there are six of them. How much would they be worth then ?"

At least he didn't tell me they were blue !!!!!

Top Titles

You couldn't make this up.

I have just listed on the internet two fine books, written in the 1930's.

The author is H. A. Manhood.

The first book is called "Night seed" the second is "Gay Agony"

Fnarr fnarr. Definately a Viz moment.

French stuff

Chap comes in and asks if I deal with manuscripts. I tell him that I do sometimes, and he pulls out an old French vellum handwritten manuscript which he tells me is from 1647 and asks me what I can tell him about it.

His manner made me a little suspicious - so I asked him if he was wanting to sell it. He replied "Oh no- I shall sell it on ebay, I just want you to give me information about it"

I told him that it was a french handwritten manuscript and that was all I knew about it. He pointed out that he already knew that, and that I hadn't even touched it.

"Quite" I replied - feeling very smug and ascerbic (Is this why I have no customers ?).

Dirty Rotten Scoundrel

I always hate people tryin to con me (almost as much as i hate those who manage it).

Chap arrives in the shop and spends some time looking through the History section. Eventually he asks me if I can get hold of a book for him. It is his brothers birthday, and he has asked for a specific Victorian history book. After I have got the name and author, he says that it MUST be the second edition from 1861.

I managed to find a copy located in the USA, and quote him a price of £16 (including £8 shipping and dealer price of £6 - so a grand total of £2 profit for me). He says he will think about it and goes off.

Ten minutes later, he reappears, and pulls a copy of the same book out of an Oxfam bag (second edition of course!) and tells me that miraculously, he has just found the book in Oxfam. He has now suddenly decided that he doesn't wish to give it to his brother (even though he had requested it) and what would I offer him for it.

He was most upset when I said I would give him £1. He pointed out that I had just asked him £16, and i explained again the breakdown of this. I also told him that it was the sort of book and condition that I would sell for £3 - hence the £1 offer. His reply was that he had just paid Oxfam £5 - wouldn't I at least give him that (Oh No !!) and what was he meant to do with it now.

Resisting the urge to tell him to shove it where the sun don't shine, I suggested that he try to sell it to Oxfam, as they had such a high opinion of it. He went of a little disgruntled.

And I was glad.

Postal problems

Chap phones up to complain about a book order I have sent him.

I look up the order, and assure him that the books have gone out to him with Royal Mail.

"Oh I know that, I found them in my garden" it seems that the postie left them half in his letter box, and someone pulled them out,and threw them into the bushes.

He wanted to know what I was going to do about it.

I paused bleakly for a moment (wondering what all this had to do with me) and asked him how much damage there was to the books.

"Nothing at all, you wrapped them very well, but I wondered what compensation I would receive from you for them being thrown into the hedge"

I shall stop here !

So far

It is now 12.30. So far today I have been asked for advice on the following:

1) Can you recommend an internet Cafe
2) Can you tell me whether it is ok for a vegetarian to drink milk, as there may be fatty deposits in it. (Chap thinking of becoming veggie!)
3) I need somewhere to live, can you help me find a flat
4) Who invented the Blitzkrieg ? No book required - just a name
5) Can I borrow an old map - I just want to see if a pond was in Fordingbridge in 1800.

I promise I haven't made any of these up - all this morning too.

Not just me

Hurrah,
It isn't only me !!!

I was in Waterstones the other day (I know - just looking at recently published titles - honest Your Honour), when I overheard the following.

"Hello, can you point me to the sellotape, and the children's toys please"

"Children's toys madam, we don't sell children's toys"

"Why not, you should do"

"No, we sell books madam"

"Why don't you sell children's toys?"

"Because we are a bookshop, why don't you try Woolworth's opposite"

"You mean this isn't Woolworths.... Well why didn't you tell me?"

So other bookshops do get them as well.

A little Vague

"Hello,I was watching an interesting programme with Simon Schama on the History Channel last night. He was talking about the history of Wales, and carrying a book. Can you get me a copy of it please."

Now people, you just KNOW that he didn't have any clues about author or title. The only extra bit of information I managed to get was "It might have been a Penguin"

A little unsure

Lady phones up.

"I saw your advert... Are you interested in books?"

Resisting the urge to make sarcastic replies about hating the damn things, I tell her that it depends on the books and ask what sort they are.

"Ohh I don't know"

"Well what Subjects"

"I don't know... all sorts"

"Erm, hardback or paperback ?"

"I don't know"

"Well how old are they?

You know what's coming "I don't know"

At this point, I have got a little bored, so I tell her that they are not really the sort I can sell, and that she should probably give them to a charity shop.

"So are they not valuable then ?"

I can't resist it.. I have to answer with "I don't know".

Peter Rabbit and the detestable fraud

Thought I had blogged this one a while ago - but have checked and apparently not!

The day before this happened, Antiques Roadshow had uncovered a Peter Rabbit first edition, and valued it at several thousand pounds. As a result, I sat quaking in my little shop, waiting for the deluge of Peter Rabbit first editions to come flooding through the doors. Actually, I only had 5. Four people were perfectly civil and quite reasonable about their books. (See I CAN be nice about customers) Then there was this one ......

Woman (Aint no lady here honey) of a certain age (the certain age was approx 65 if I am generous) stomps into the shop in her wellies and hacking jacket, She was obviously pretty wealthy judging by the cut of her jib. (She had a sailing boat moored up outside). and exclaims in a loud and rather posh voice.

"I have a first edition Peter Rabbit I am willing to sell you"

"Are you sure it is a first edition, there aren't many around"

"Of course I am, it was brought for my grandmother as a child... I know how much they are worth, so don't you try to con me"

The book in question was bought out, and placed down for my perusal. I could see immediately (Cos I am ded clever) that all was not as it should be. (The plastic laminate cover was an immediate give away) so I asked a few further questions.

"You are sure that this is the same book your grandmother was given"

"Of course I am, don't be ridiculous"

"You didn't buy another copy to read at some point, to protect and older one"

"No, this is a first edition, and don't you try to rip me off, I know it is worth several thousand pounds"

She was irritating me by this point, so I decided I couldn't be bothered playing any more.

"Madam, this book was not given to your grandmother, unless she was already quite old when she got it. This book was published in 1984. There is an ISBN on the verso of the title page, and a barcode chip. ISBN's were not introduced in this country until 1971 (See how much you learn on this blog!!!!) and computer barcodes were certainly not around in Victorian England. To make it even more certain, there is a printing date of July 1984 just here (showing her the offending date at the back of the book). This book is a modern copy not a first edition, and is worth about a pound.

A bony grabbing little hand came out in a flash "Well just give me a pound for it then"

Now do you think she A) got a pound of me for the book or B) got verbally thrown out of the shop with a Paddington stare following her ?

blaggity damn soddity

Most irritating man came in.

He emptied a plastic carrier bag onto the desk - just tipped it out. In there were a few book club books with torn wrappers, a readers digest, a couple of paperbacks and a couple of very shagged ex-library books with the price 50p pencilled in them. The whole lot was dirty, dishevelled and useless (I little like him - boom boom).

"How much are you going to give me for these" (Not a great way to open negotiations anyway)

I explained that I didn't buy paperbacks, book club, readers digest or shagged library books, and that we are an Antiquarian bookshop.

"Well where can I sell them - its hard work getting money for books these days, the other bookshops turned them down - I thought YOU would buy them".

Further irritated that I was the third place he had visited with this croc of shite I told him that the only place for these was a charity shop.

"Why should I give them to charity? I paid good money for these"

I pointed out that the highest price he had paid was 50p and that he had the benefit of reading them, and suggested that if he didn't want to pass on the benefit of them, he should just throw them away, as there wasn't a bookshop in the country that would buy this sort of book.

He stormed out of the shop, mutterering about how we had wasted his day going round the book shops with them.

Am I being unreasonable in thinking that such people are horrible little cheap, tight, dirty swines, who deserve locking in a room of cash, which is just out of reach of their greedy little clutching hands ?

Bless 'em all....

Many a cross word was spoken !

Bloke walks into the shop and presents me with a slightly crumpled book of crossword puzzles, which he hopes I will purchase from him. In my nicest voice, I decline his generous offer (Well not so generous - he wants my cash).

His reply is to ask "Why wont you buy it, my wife has only done some of them - there's plenty more for someone else to do"

What do you say to that ? Come on - how can I reasonably respond ?

(I stuck by my declention by the way).

The Youth of Today

Bless Em....

Three kind souls, who felt that my shop needed a bit of a change, decided to smash the window and do in the bookcase before running off into the night.

Apparently they were young teenagers a little under the Affluence of Inkerhol.

Now I am the last to complain about people canning it a bit on a Friday night - but I'm not convinced they need to break my windows after.

That, however, is not what I am blogging about.

Next day, I had to clean up and get rid of the glass.

And endure EVERY person over 40 in town coming in to complain about young people, about night time in town, to mutter about how they should be strung up, executed etc: By the end of the day, I wanted to go and get drunk and hang out with the kids, break a few windows and tell the old gits to get lost etc etc.

I should be grateful that they are concerned enough to come in and sympathise with me. One day, one of them will actually buy a book and so put something into the "Window Restoration Fund"

Long time coming

4 hours.

4 (yes FOUR) hours

That is how long Mr Boring sat in the shop and talked at me yesterday.

This chap came in, and had a little look around the shop. Pleasant enough, but was interested in things which weren't really grabbing me - and was telling me about them at great length

(Imagine a slightly nasal accent and slow voice) "Yeas, of course the velocity of the SP54 a type engine was considerably greater than the SP53 but it did suffer from a distinct lack of power on the upward rail stretches on the West Coast Line which I would venture to suggest limited its value to the GWR - wouldn't you agree"

Having looked around, he didn't actually decide to buy anything, but just parked himself in the chair in the front room, and talked at (yes at) me from 10.20 am until 2.18pm.

He gave me false hope by announcing that he had to go several times, but they never amounted to anything.. he just kept going on and on and on and on and on and on.

Fortunately I was able to tune him out, and so I continued to process orders and place books online. At one point he asked me if I minded him wittering on to me, and I replied, No, as long as he didn't mind me ignoring him. He pointed out that I wasn't ignoring him and we were having a lovely conversation (I think that one was about UFO's being the probable cause of crop circles, although the merits of the electro magnetic variation theory did somewhat attract him) Eventually he left, wishing me a happy week until his return next week

Oh yes - he comes in once a week to the big city on the bus. Whimper whimper sob sob.

Ranty Rant Rant

AAAAArrrggghhh.
No humour today sadly.

I have been keeping a tally of the number of people trying to sell books over the last few days. Since last Thursday morning (That's six days including a sunday!) I have been offered 63 lots of books.

In this same period, while averaging 12.6 offers per working day, I have averaged 5 sales per day. So at least twice as many people are trying to get money from me as purchase books.

Some people would be grateful for the opportunity to acquire more stock. Not me ! I would if it they had the slightest potential to be stock. Of all of these books, I have purchased one. (Yes one). The rest was comprised of the sort of junk that a charity shop would turn away. Mouldy hardback reprints of bookclub books. Tatty novels with wrappers half ripped off, plastic bags stuffed with dirty creased paperbacks.

Having tried hard to create a shop that is clean and tidy, with high quality stock (lots of it leather bound and antiquarian) in neat wrappers where appropriate, protected in removeable film..... you get the picture.... these books just feel insulting to me.

I would like to be generous, and think that people don't know the difference between a valuable book and a paperback, but that doesn't even seem to be true. When I decline their stock, they often comment that they are on the way to the charity shop with it, and just thought they would try and get a few pounds first. So they know that they are pretty worthless. Or there are the ones who either have no idea of economics, or are just greedy. When I point out that I don't buy paperbacks as I sell them for a pound or two, so it isn't economic, they reply that that is fine, two pounds a paperback will be adequate. Even when I point out that this would mean I was giving them more than I would actually sell the book for, they don't seem to get it!

I think the thing that annoys me more than anything, is that NONE of these books come from me in the first place. People buy these tatty relics at car boots and charity shops, then expect to make a profit by passing them on to me. Greedy greedy greedy...... Did I mention how much I dislike greed ?

Ok enough rant - thought for once I would just vent my feelings a little, and live up to the blogs name!

Sob sob sob

Jewellery stuff

Woman walked in this afternoon.

"Have you got any rings"

"Rings madam?" says I (Come on then - what would you say?)

"Yes, rings - the charity shops are closed - I need some rings and don't know where to go - I'm new to Salisbury."

"This is a bookshop Madam."

"But I want to buy a ring."

"How about a jewellers madam."

"Do you think so ? - I'll try that then"

And she walked out.