Ranty Rant Rant

AAAAArrrggghhh.
No humour today sadly.

I have been keeping a tally of the number of people trying to sell books over the last few days. Since last Thursday morning (That's six days including a sunday!) I have been offered 63 lots of books.

In this same period, while averaging 12.6 offers per working day, I have averaged 5 sales per day. So at least twice as many people are trying to get money from me as purchase books.

Some people would be grateful for the opportunity to acquire more stock. Not me ! I would if it they had the slightest potential to be stock. Of all of these books, I have purchased one. (Yes one). The rest was comprised of the sort of junk that a charity shop would turn away. Mouldy hardback reprints of bookclub books. Tatty novels with wrappers half ripped off, plastic bags stuffed with dirty creased paperbacks.

Having tried hard to create a shop that is clean and tidy, with high quality stock (lots of it leather bound and antiquarian) in neat wrappers where appropriate, protected in removeable film..... you get the picture.... these books just feel insulting to me.

I would like to be generous, and think that people don't know the difference between a valuable book and a paperback, but that doesn't even seem to be true. When I decline their stock, they often comment that they are on the way to the charity shop with it, and just thought they would try and get a few pounds first. So they know that they are pretty worthless. Or there are the ones who either have no idea of economics, or are just greedy. When I point out that I don't buy paperbacks as I sell them for a pound or two, so it isn't economic, they reply that that is fine, two pounds a paperback will be adequate. Even when I point out that this would mean I was giving them more than I would actually sell the book for, they don't seem to get it!

I think the thing that annoys me more than anything, is that NONE of these books come from me in the first place. People buy these tatty relics at car boots and charity shops, then expect to make a profit by passing them on to me. Greedy greedy greedy...... Did I mention how much I dislike greed ?

Ok enough rant - thought for once I would just vent my feelings a little, and live up to the blogs name!

Sob sob sob

Jewellery stuff

Woman walked in this afternoon.

"Have you got any rings"

"Rings madam?" says I (Come on then - what would you say?)

"Yes, rings - the charity shops are closed - I need some rings and don't know where to go - I'm new to Salisbury."

"This is a bookshop Madam."

"But I want to buy a ring."

"How about a jewellers madam."

"Do you think so ? - I'll try that then"

And she walked out.

Ever hopeful

Chap calls me out to his house. He had sold me a couple of boxes of books a while ago, for which I paid £100. It should have been about £70 but he gave me a sob story about decorating the house before his wife got out of hospital.

So I went in again, these are now the tail end of his collection, and not particularly special. I offered him £50 (and that was probably generous).

"Oh dear" he said "I thought you always paid £100 for books, and I need a hundred to pay for some more decorating, so can you make it £100 please".

I resisted the temptation!

Psychic Booksellers

My friend in Cornwall has quite a few Cricket books. How much are they worth ?

Wasted Journey

A sweet little couple visited the shop from Totton today. That's about 45 minutes drive away (For me - probably took them a couple of hours !) They came in and announced that having seen the shop on TV - it had taken them a while to find as they couldn't remember the name of the shop or the street. While the lady of indeterminate years sat a wheezed for a while - her husband eventually came to the point. He had that particular slow and nasal voice, that has convinced me he is probably called Malcolm or Dereck.

"We thought you looked as if you liked books on the television - so we thought you might like to buy some gardening books from us"

"What sort of gardening books?" (Said I, full of energy, enthusiasm and vigour).

"I don't know really.... different sizes and colours..."

"erm... Well how many, and do you know the titles"

"Oh four of five books. One mentions begonias in the title...."

"Ok, well you've driven over from Totton - are they still in the car ?"

"No... we thought we would drive over and see if you were interested - if you want to see them, we can come back with them another day..."

"Well, possibly, I hate to cause people special journeys... Do you often come to Salisbury ?"

"Oh no.... We've only come to see you ...We'll go home again once we've got our breath back..."

Bless.

Bus shelter mentality

I arrived at work at 9.30am this morning.
(Please to remember that the shop opens at 10am).

Man is stood outside peering through the window.

"Ah, at last....About time"

So I let him in, excited by the prospect of seeing some more books
(people who queue outside a closed second hand bookshop early in the morning are ALWAYS selling rather than buying).
He rushes in, and pulls a stool up to the counter and starts whittering away.

I carried on turning on lights etc: trying to open the shop, when he asks me when I am going to stop doing things and listen to him. So I sat down, and asked how I could help.

"Oh I don't want anything....I'm not going to buy anythng .... I have to leave the hostel at 9 am and have no-one to listen to me, so I thought I would come along and chat to you....."

I inwardly sobbed to myself.

Fount of all knowledge

Young man comes into the shop.

"I want to buy a book to learn stuff"

"What sort of Stuff"

You know .... I want a book to teach me things - can you recommend a book that will give me knowledge"

"Knowledge about what exactly ?"

"Oh everything ......I brought my mum a book for Christmas .. It was on Naturamony"

"Naturamony ?"

"You know - Bones and stuff"

"Ah, anatomy ..... Is she a nurse ?"

"No she works in a cafe... But i liked the pictures of bones and stuff.....

"Has she read it ?"

"She's looked at it... Don't think she's read it. ....... David Ike is good isn't he - he talks a lot of sense - who would have thought the royal family are all aliens"

"Well there are some who would question whether everything David Ike says is true"

"No its true, I saw it in a book - he says you have to wear blue to be safe from the aliens. Thats the sort of knowledge I want to learn"

"Ah sir, you will be needing our paranoid consipracy theory bollocks section then"

Stardom

I have been abused with many insults in my short life. Mangy mutt, tatty dog, useless hound etc: etc: But now I have been called a Media Whore - I am deeply insulted.

However, following my tv piece - I have had my first ever item of fanmail ! A nice lady in Havant wants to send me a book to pass on to a good home (I had hoped for biscuits or treats - but a nice letter and a book are better than nothing!) and Fred Dinage said I was a lovely Mutt !!!

Too much information ?

Guy comes in - also the worst for drink (Must be a day for it), and asks if I buy books.
"Sometimes", say I "What sort of books are they"

"Oh I don't know, all sorts" He replied "How much will you pay me for them"

"I would have to see them, it varys from a pound or so, up to a few thousand, usually the former"

"But you must be able to give me some idea - can't you guess?"

Pah.

Windy

Old chap looking distinctly dishevelled, and somewhat worse for drink wanders into the shop.
He asks where the Dylan Thomas is kept.
I show him the appropriate area, and start to help him look for some.
After a few minutes, he comments, "Oh well, I'm not going to buy any, I'm just coming in to shelter from the wind and rain."

Too expensive ?

The gentleman in this afternoon was nothing if not optomistic.

First he spent 20 minutes looking through a £120 book on local history (lots of money - but it is charity and council records and accounts from 150 years ago - printed at the time for the official record etc: Not a common piece!!)

Secondly, he came up to the counter and announce "Yes, I think I shall take this one off your hands.... Discount for cash ?"

Much as I detest haggling, I have little choice, so I ask him what he had in mind, and he offers me £10.

When I finish choking to death, I point out that he is looking for a rather large discount. Of course he had thought that the book was £12.

At this point, he doesn't seem at all perplexed. "Never mind", he said, "Can you just photocopy the pages I want then please...."

Sadly, I was forced to decline.

Silly Boy

Student walks into the shop.

" I am a drama and film studies at the local college.

We want to film a fight scene in a library, but the college won't let us use theirs. Could I borrow about a thousand books for a week or so. I'll bring them back. "

Now guess whether I said yes or no to him.......

Silly Woman

A very silly woman came into the shop.

I knew that she was very silly when she asked "Do you have all sorts of books or just particular ones" (it took me a while to get it.... Or rather it took me a while to realise that there was nothing to get!)

She then says "Oh they are very expensive aren't they!" I replied that some of them are, and asked which she meant, and she said that the paperback she was holding was £1.50. I said that wasn't much, and she told me that she never pays more than 50p in charity shops for books.

I asked her to tell me which charity shops, as I would go there and buy some at once, which reminded me that unlike them, I had to buy all of my stock, pay my staff, market rent, rates etc: Eating occasionally would be nice too.

She left.

Yuk

Man walks into the shop and farts.

Thats it.

Doesn't even look embarrassed - he is still here, just looking at the books - pretending it hasn't happened.

Dilemma......
It is now horrible and smelly in my shop - he is still here. Do I acknowledge the fetid production of his nether regions by lighting an incense stick - or do I hold out and hope.

It's no good - the incense is calling.... I can't go on....... this may be my last post......

Genuine Rant

Ok - so this one isn't an amusing anecdote. Nor are they rest you are probably thinking - but I don't care (mentally sticking out tongue. Now there is an emoticon in need of invention).

I was assisting the local Oxfam this morning. Those who know me will appreciate that Oxfam are not my favourite charity - but never mind. As I arrived to chat to their assistant manager - who also works in my shop, and as they are throwing out the unwanted donations / rubbish, I assist in moving the sacks. There are 32 sacks of waste. As I am moving them, it is obvious that several of them are books and magazines, others are full of china, glass etc:

When I mention to him that he still isn't recycling this stuff - he just grunts a "Oh it's too much effort - we can't be bothered. If you care that much write to someone" This is a week after I had explained to him that he could get FREE salvage stickers from the council, and that all he had to do was seperate the stuff out and stick a sticker on the bag. Aparrently there are no policies for the organisation to make them recycle.

Seeth seeth seeth. Is this a sacking offense ? It would be in my shop! I am outraged (but sadly not suprised) that a corporate charity that claims to be so PC and there for the poor / oppressed / third world, can really not care about the environment or recycling basic stuff that they throw out.

They shan't be getting any more donations from me!!!

Do people listen

I arrived at the shop at 9.45am this morning. The shop opens at 10am - there was already a woman stood outside in the rain - so I knew she would be trying to sell rather than buy, and that I wouldn't want it. (No-one has EVER queued up outside to purchase, and the quality of the books from those who do wait are ALWAYS appalling).

As I come in, there are very well spoken mutterings of "about time, I have been waiting in the rain for ages"

"Well I don't open until ten" I reply, but she barges past anyway, with a "20 minutes I've been stood there. Now - I've to sell you some books"

"What sort of books" quoth I, with a heavy heart and dripping coat.

"Oh, I don't know - all sorts - my aunt has died, and I'm clearing them out - there's thousands of them."

"we only buy certain kinds of books...."
"there are hundreds of pristine Readers Digest condensed volumes and paperbacks."

"I'm sorry" I reply "We don't buy Readers Digest or paperbacks - I just can't sell them....."

She interrupts with a "I don't expect a fortune for them, a couple of pounds each will be fine, there's a lot of beautiful book club boos as Well"

"I can't sell those either I'm afraid. It doesn't sound as if there are any there for me."

"Nonsense - I'll drop them off, and you can look through them all, pay me for the good ones, and then you can dispose of the rest."

Stifling a more appropriate response, I explain that I don't do that, as I would be flooded with unwanted books in the shop. If she wanted to drive past with them in the car, I could have a quick look and buy the odd one that was suitable, but I didn't hold out much hope.

"Oh no" she replies - "I can't be bothered with that - then I would have to dispose of the rest of them"

And with that she swept out of the shop.

Some people are never satisfied

So here i am, polishing my leather with gay abandon, when a chap walks in.
He starts with the preliminary junk about "Do you Sell books" (No its a library you Muppet, of course I sell books. Or at least try to)
Then announces that he needs a copy of a woodcut. Particularly, it must be mid eighteenth century, by a botanical artist rather than an illustrator, and must be of an Oak leaf, and an acorn.

This sounds fairly specific to me - so it is with joy in my heart, and a slightly smug and self satisfied spring in my step that I go straight to the "Illustrators of Oak Leaves" department, where I find a perfect original print of an Oak Leaf, botanically produced, with an acorn to the side and a cross section of both Leaf and Acorn (let me know If I am boring you!!). Beautiful condition, printed in 1750 (For the less historical of you, the is about as "middle of the Eighteenth Century" as it is possible to get). And best of all, £4.

I show this to the chap. Of course you have already figured what is coming next........."It's not quite what I had in mind"

I can now feel a wave of the Little Britain Shop of Horrors sketch floating over me. It was all I could do to resist shouting at him "What the f*&&K do you mean it's not what you had in mind - Not Oaky enough for you? Want something a little less Acorny? Leave now you twisted twat and encumber by bookshop no more with your fetid presence" but I settled with a "Sorry that's the best I can do".

(Sobs sadly into his coffee mug and dreams of normal people.)


By the way - I was offered a book on Porcelain Pot Lids today!! I refused to buy it our of spite!

Sinks and Soda

Chap walks in
Comes up to the desk and announces that he has a ceramic Belfast / Butler type sink
He tells me that I have a lot of books
What should he use to clean it with?
Apparently the sink has no chips or damage!

I asked him if he had used Caustic Soda
And he replied no - he would try some immediately.

Next questions was about which Caustic Soda stockist I would recommend locally!!!

Strange Days

A decidedly odd day in the shop.

We have been getting publicity for our support of the local festival. Waterstones have decided not to support the festival - which would have lost all of its literary element. The four independant bookshops in town have come together to put up the cash / support

First customer pops in and walks to the counter. She says "I just wanted to congratulate you on supporting the festival" and walks out.

Next customer appears, makes their way to the counter and tells us "Well done for supporting the festival - that will really put the people behind you" and leaves.

Third customer is clutching a Waterstones bag, and tells us how wonderful it is that the independant bookshops are supporting the festival, and goes.

Another customer walks in .........

Oh I can't be bothered......

Cushions

Chap with very pale and pregnant girlfriend come in. Both looking pretty strung out from drugs - Maybe uncharitable - but I can recognize the signs!!!

One of the signs was that he was clutching a very ordinary embroidered cushion, Circa 1980's - value about nil. He was very keen to sell this to me, telling me that it was a valuable and antique cushion worth about £150, but that I could have it for £25.

I pointed out that I was a bookshop, and he smiled and said that it was a Beatrix Potter cat, and that I could have it for £15. Girlfriend just gazed ahead vaguely.

When I politely declined, they wafted off, and were last seen trying to sell the cushion to a passing pedestian in the street.

Does this happen in John Lewis?