I was driving home from work a couple of days ago - having worked hard all day polishing my leather and pricing my portfolios, when the 6pm news came onto Radio 4.
Bearing in mind that this is the National news, I was somewhat irritated to hear my friends at Oxfam getting the following 2 minute news item.
Apparently a shop managed to sell a copy of Sylvia Plath's "Ariel" for £350. After a discussion about the bookshop, there were quotes from Oxfam saying how this was a vast amount of money and would do a tremendous amount of good for the poor of the world.
Quite apart for the tiny percentage of this that will get anywhere near any needy recipient - since when did the sale of a £350 book make the main National news of the day ? I wish I had their marketing and PR department - no wonder it costs them 15% of charity income.
Monday, December 22, 2008
Department Store
"Are these Christmas Decorations for sale ?"
"No madam, they are our Christmas decorations"
"What about this Buddha Statue ?"
"No madam, just the books are for sale"
"So its only the books then ?"
"Yes Madam"
"That's a pity" as she walks out.
"No madam, they are our Christmas decorations"
"What about this Buddha Statue ?"
"No madam, just the books are for sale"
"So its only the books then ?"
"Yes Madam"
"That's a pity" as she walks out.
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tarzan and the Irritating Idiot
"Do you have any tarzan books ?"
"Yes sir, we have early editions here, they are £4 pounds each"
"Oh good - well that's good to know. I won't buy them as I have brought something recently."
"Yes sir, we have early editions here, they are £4 pounds each"
"Oh good - well that's good to know. I won't buy them as I have brought something recently."
Not a chance in hell !
"Hello"
Quoth the merry chap, clutching a book he had brought from a charity shop (pah)
"I know you do internet sales... Would you wrap this up and post it to my brother, its his christmas present".....
No prizes for guessing my response.
Quoth the merry chap, clutching a book he had brought from a charity shop (pah)
"I know you do internet sales... Would you wrap this up and post it to my brother, its his christmas present".....
No prizes for guessing my response.
more wasting of time
"Hello, I have been searching for a book for 50 years, it's Ballantyne, the Gorilla Hunters. I had a copy as a boy. When I left for national service, my mother gave it away. I've been looking for it ever since - I doubt you will be able to help me, nobody has been able to."
"Yes sir, we have a 1907 copy here, in excellent condition for £4"
"Oh have you......"
Can anyone fill in what happened next ?
"Yes sir, we have a 1907 copy here, in excellent condition for £4"
"Oh have you......"
Can anyone fill in what happened next ?
Mission Accomplished
"Hello, Do you stock miniature books"
"Yes Madam, they are in this cabinet here..."
"Oh I don't want to look at them. I am going to see my aunt at Christmas, and I want to be able to tell her I looked for them."
Walks out of shop into Dante's 13th circle of hell (reserved for timewasters).
"Yes Madam, they are in this cabinet here..."
"Oh I don't want to look at them. I am going to see my aunt at Christmas, and I want to be able to tell her I looked for them."
Walks out of shop into Dante's 13th circle of hell (reserved for timewasters).
Monday, December 08, 2008
Rubbing it in Even More
Most people who know me, are aware that Oxfam are my least favourite charity (at least in part because of their rampant destruction of the book trade). The local Oxfam Bookshop have almost managed to bankrupt us, but I am still hanging on in there. I had two conversations with the manager of the bookshop.
In the first, he was bemoaning his lot - having to deal with so many donations of useless books - "And they know they are useless - they shouldn't be donating them to us - we only want saleable books". Apparently I didn't understand how hard it was dealing with this each day. I pointed out, that most of the people donating to him, have already tried to get money from me for the same books, and are outraged when I can't pay for them - so yes, I understand, but think he is being ungrateful. As a seriously struggling bookshop, we would love to be able to take several hundred pounds of income each day from purely donated books - but sadly - we have to pay for every book we get.
The second phone call was because a woman had arrived with a pile of saleable books - but they didn't have room to take them in. I thought he was about to suggest we received them - but no, he wanted to know if i had the phone number for another book charity that operates on the towm - as he felt they were good enough for them to make a fair bit from them.
My face feels as if it has been well and trully rubbed in it !!!
In the first, he was bemoaning his lot - having to deal with so many donations of useless books - "And they know they are useless - they shouldn't be donating them to us - we only want saleable books". Apparently I didn't understand how hard it was dealing with this each day. I pointed out, that most of the people donating to him, have already tried to get money from me for the same books, and are outraged when I can't pay for them - so yes, I understand, but think he is being ungrateful. As a seriously struggling bookshop, we would love to be able to take several hundred pounds of income each day from purely donated books - but sadly - we have to pay for every book we get.
The second phone call was because a woman had arrived with a pile of saleable books - but they didn't have room to take them in. I thought he was about to suggest we received them - but no, he wanted to know if i had the phone number for another book charity that operates on the towm - as he felt they were good enough for them to make a fair bit from them.
My face feels as if it has been well and trully rubbed in it !!!
Lost in Translation
A woman walks into the shop, and asks for Mike Mc somebody. I tell her that we have no-one of that name.
"But you must have. i was listening to Radio Four, and they were saying how this chap worked for Connected Books of Salisbury, and that he was very good at finding rare books".
"No madam, there is no bookshop of that name here - we are now one of only two bookshops in the whole County."
"It must be here - I was listening very carefully"
"Madam, do you like that perhaps they were talking about a gentleman from a bookshop in Salisbury Conneticut ?"
"Oh no - I wouldn't make a mistake like that.
"But you must have. i was listening to Radio Four, and they were saying how this chap worked for Connected Books of Salisbury, and that he was very good at finding rare books".
"No madam, there is no bookshop of that name here - we are now one of only two bookshops in the whole County."
"It must be here - I was listening very carefully"
"Madam, do you like that perhaps they were talking about a gentleman from a bookshop in Salisbury Conneticut ?"
"Oh no - I wouldn't make a mistake like that.
Friday, November 21, 2008
Thick skins
Chap comes in. He has been a pain in the neck for a long time - always wanting discounts, free books etc:
He recently ordered two books - then decided he only wanted one of them - costing me £20.
"I'd like you to order me in a book"
"I'm not very keen after last time"
"What do you mean?"
"Well I got you two books - and you only paid for one. The other cost me money and I can only sell it for a fraction of this"
"Well that's not my problem - I took one of them"
"Yes but you ordered two - I have to buy books in - I can't get them on approval"
"Just send it back and say you've changed your mind"
"But i haven't changed my mind - and I can't just return books because customers are unreliable - there is postage to be paid in each direction"
"Not my problem - now are you going to order this book for me?"
..............I don't think i will be seeing him again.
He recently ordered two books - then decided he only wanted one of them - costing me £20.
"I'd like you to order me in a book"
"I'm not very keen after last time"
"What do you mean?"
"Well I got you two books - and you only paid for one. The other cost me money and I can only sell it for a fraction of this"
"Well that's not my problem - I took one of them"
"Yes but you ordered two - I have to buy books in - I can't get them on approval"
"Just send it back and say you've changed your mind"
"But i haven't changed my mind - and I can't just return books because customers are unreliable - there is postage to be paid in each direction"
"Not my problem - now are you going to order this book for me?"
..............I don't think i will be seeing him again.
Free Valuations
Friendly voice from a neighbouring town (30 miles away) called.
"afternoon - I'd like you to come and value my books"
"Are they for sale"
"No, I'd just like to know their value"
"well we would have to charge you a fair bit of money to drive out and do that"
"Oh, don't you do it for free ? I'm not willing to pay anything for it. Won't you just come and tell me what they are worth?"
Hmmmm.
"afternoon - I'd like you to come and value my books"
"Are they for sale"
"No, I'd just like to know their value"
"well we would have to charge you a fair bit of money to drive out and do that"
"Oh, don't you do it for free ? I'm not willing to pay anything for it. Won't you just come and tell me what they are worth?"
Hmmmm.
Don't rub it in.
chap walks in and stands at the door. I've never seen him before. He doesn't actually bother looking at the shelves.
"Good morning" he says, "I hear an Oxfam bookshop has opened up, can you tell me where it is please ?"
I just told him - I couldn't even be bothered to rant about how they are destroying the book trade. I must be losing it.
"Good morning" he says, "I hear an Oxfam bookshop has opened up, can you tell me where it is please ?"
I just told him - I couldn't even be bothered to rant about how they are destroying the book trade. I must be losing it.
Change of Mind
Chap walks in and asks "I gave away a book a year ago - can you tell me what its worth now please."
Letter from America
This is a real email I received recently.
I don’t even need to comment.
“I was in Salisbury about a year ago and bought a book in your store, only to accidentally leave it on the plane. I was so disappointed. I cannot remember the name of the book, but it had a black cover, I
do believe. It was a Juvenile’s book. I very much want to order this
book. Can you suggest to me which one it might be? Thanks! S__ T___, U.S.A.”
I don’t even need to comment.
“I was in Salisbury about a year ago and bought a book in your store, only to accidentally leave it on the plane. I was so disappointed. I cannot remember the name of the book, but it had a black cover, I
do believe. It was a Juvenile’s book. I very much want to order this
book. Can you suggest to me which one it might be? Thanks! S__ T___, U.S.A.”
Tuesday, November 04, 2008
Cheap and (sometimes) cheerful
A big thank you to the American book dealer, who requested a trade discount on a 50p book, and that it be sent at cost, as they didn't agree with making money on postage.
Sadly I don't agree with selling to them - so the book has been thrown away !!!
Sadly I don't agree with selling to them - so the book has been thrown away !!!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Car Wreck
I was reminded of this yesterday - although it happened about a year ago.
Innocently driving home, and about half a mile from the shop, I managed to ram a truck, and although there were no injuries, I managed to write off my car. Friendly canine was on the back seat howling at all the fuss outside. Van driver is not too happy that his truck has a large dent in the side, and the police have arrived to get the street moving again.
In the midst of all this, a man walks up to me with a plastic bag.
"You've save me a trip, I was just on the way to see if you would buy these books"
"Not at the moment, I am a little tied up..."
"Won't you just have a quick look at them"
I shan't type what I said - but he hasn't been into the shop since (And that is no loss !!)
Innocently driving home, and about half a mile from the shop, I managed to ram a truck, and although there were no injuries, I managed to write off my car. Friendly canine was on the back seat howling at all the fuss outside. Van driver is not too happy that his truck has a large dent in the side, and the police have arrived to get the street moving again.
In the midst of all this, a man walks up to me with a plastic bag.
"You've save me a trip, I was just on the way to see if you would buy these books"
"Not at the moment, I am a little tied up..."
"Won't you just have a quick look at them"
I shan't type what I said - but he hasn't been into the shop since (And that is no loss !!)
Waiting for Sales
One of my more irritating customers (I use the term through gritted teeth - not sure he has ever actually bought anything)was drooling over a book I had just put out yesterday. A first edition hardback in mint wrapper, on farming in England. A whole £5.
"Oh this is lovely" he slobbered. "If you still have it in January, I'll snatch your hand off for it in your half price sale"
"Oh this is lovely" he slobbered. "If you still have it in January, I'll snatch your hand off for it in your half price sale"
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Royal Rubbish
Man walks in with a carrier bag full of newspapers and puts them on the counter and asks for a valuation.
"I'm sorry, we don't buy newspapers"
"But you haven't even looked at them"
"I can see they are newspapers, and we don't buy newspapers"
"But these aren't newspapers, they have articles and front pages on the royal family"
"That makes them worse - as a fervent Republican who would shoot the lot of them just after the politicians and before the clergy, I have moral objections to books on the land and title grabbing aristocracy"
"Royalty are very popular with collectors"
"Not in this shop - I can only sell royal items that are early Victorian or before - perhaps 1850 or earlier".
"Yes, some of these are that old, look...." (Pulls out a 1956 newspaper with an aricle on Queen Elizabeth).
"Is that the oldest"
".......Yes"
"hmmmm"
(He gathers his bags and exits stage left)
(Only one of these lines has been made up)
"I'm sorry, we don't buy newspapers"
"But you haven't even looked at them"
"I can see they are newspapers, and we don't buy newspapers"
"But these aren't newspapers, they have articles and front pages on the royal family"
"That makes them worse - as a fervent Republican who would shoot the lot of them just after the politicians and before the clergy, I have moral objections to books on the land and title grabbing aristocracy"
"Royalty are very popular with collectors"
"Not in this shop - I can only sell royal items that are early Victorian or before - perhaps 1850 or earlier".
"Yes, some of these are that old, look...." (Pulls out a 1956 newspaper with an aricle on Queen Elizabeth).
"Is that the oldest"
".......Yes"
"hmmmm"
(He gathers his bags and exits stage left)
(Only one of these lines has been made up)
All at Sea
"Hello, we have three books on the Royal Navy, how much would you pay for them"
"Have you got them with you ?"
"Oh no, they are much too heavy"
"Who are they by"
"Don't know, we've never read them"
"And the titles ?"
"No idea"
"Well are they part of a set, or are they individual books ?"
"How are we supposed to know - I told you we hadn't read them...."
"Have you got them with you ?"
"Oh no, they are much too heavy"
"Who are they by"
"Don't know, we've never read them"
"And the titles ?"
"No idea"
"Well are they part of a set, or are they individual books ?"
"How are we supposed to know - I told you we hadn't read them...."
Tuesday, October 07, 2008
Random violence
Elderly chap in tweed and burgundy cords marches into the shop, walks to the counter and raps his cane on the desk.
"How's business then ?"
"Oh fine - and how much is your pension paying you each week ?"
(One day I will have the nerve to say rather than think it).
"Get yourself a gun or a damn heavy shillaleagh. Its going to get ugly out there. The plebs don't realise how bad things are going to get. They'll be riots. Better prepare yourself"
And marches out.
"How's business then ?"
"Oh fine - and how much is your pension paying you each week ?"
(One day I will have the nerve to say rather than think it).
"Get yourself a gun or a damn heavy shillaleagh. Its going to get ugly out there. The plebs don't realise how bad things are going to get. They'll be riots. Better prepare yourself"
And marches out.
Indigestible
"Hello, I'd like you to give me a valuation please for these Reader's Digest Condensed Volumes"
"Am afraid they have no value at all, you can't even give them away"
"Even though they are first editions ?"
"But they aren't first editions madam, they are Reader's Digest"
"But the are First Edition Thus - first Reader's Digest issue"
"So that makes them a re-print madam"
"Even though they are covered in mock leather covers ?"
"I'm afraid fake leather doesn't enhance value madam, it takes real leather for that"
"So no value then"
"Not even charity shops can sell them madam"
"Well i'll take them to a charity shop then"
I wouldn't mind so much, but quoting first edition and first thus at me - she obviously understands the terms and what they mean.
Humpf.
"Am afraid they have no value at all, you can't even give them away"
"Even though they are first editions ?"
"But they aren't first editions madam, they are Reader's Digest"
"But the are First Edition Thus - first Reader's Digest issue"
"So that makes them a re-print madam"
"Even though they are covered in mock leather covers ?"
"I'm afraid fake leather doesn't enhance value madam, it takes real leather for that"
"So no value then"
"Not even charity shops can sell them madam"
"Well i'll take them to a charity shop then"
I wouldn't mind so much, but quoting first edition and first thus at me - she obviously understands the terms and what they mean.
Humpf.
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